For almost two years now we’ve been dealing with a global pandemic. What we thought was going to be a mere few weeks of quarantining at home making sourdough and having zoom happy hours has morphed into much more. Children spent a year learning at home. Our favorite restaurants shuttered their doors. Then there’s the fight about whether or not to be vaccinated — I am by the way. Most of us have very little left to give. While there have certainly been some moments I’ve been grateful for, covid has really affected my creativity.
It’s been twelve years since I began blogging or building my career as a digital creative. Five alone in this particular space. Writing, creating, and being a part of the influencer industry has been something I’ve enjoyed for a long time. Lately though I’ve been feeling like I have nothing to offer. I find myself struggling to write posts, to create witty or engaging captions for Instagram, and honestly I really wonder if anyone even cares. In the early aughts many of the reasons people began blogging was because they needed creative outlets from their corporate jobs or spaces to be themselves. That sentiment seems to have been lost. Now everyone is aiming to sell something, launch a course, or be the next in line for fame. In the midst of a pandemic that has brought the world to its knees and killed almost a million people – it feels odd?
Truthfully I still thoroughly enjoy styling and preparing for photoshoots, shopping, and living every moment of my life as romantically as possible, what I really wonder is if what I’m creating brings any value? Are the posts I slave over and have anxiety about, really impacting anyone? Or anything? When this endeavor first began it was all about sharing my love of fashion and style with people, because I didn’t feel like Black women were given the chance to do that. That mission has shifted as my lifestyle has. It then became about showing the world that Black women deserved to experience a life of luxury too. Many people weren’t doing that and now that tide has turned too, I find myself a bit lost at sea.
Maybe the truth is, there’s something else I should be sharing or talking about?
At one point I longed to be the Black fashion blogger that achieved the brand deals, ambassadorships, and invites that the OG girls did. The careers of Aimee Song, Chiara, Gal Meets Glam were the kind I aspired for. And yet as the world has turned I’ve felt less called to do or be that. Covid hasn’t helped. Its presence has riddled me with fear. Fear of death, fear of cataclysmic disaster, and fear of nothing being the same. Those fears have taken a lot of my creativity along with it. But it has also brought a desire for clarity. I’ve felt less inclined to do things that don’t speak to me. Untied from the need to post daily on a platform that doesn’t serve me much. During the summer of 2020 I unfollowed every single person that didn’t bring me joy and felt much lighter. I was enraged and infuriated at the unrest the Black community was experiencing and coping with a pandemic. Watching people go on as if none of it mattered felt hard.
Now as we begin yet another year, I’m feeling the desire to get clear. How that looks is the question that make plagues me often. The wonder of if it will be good enough to make waves or will it just add to the noise is prevalent. When you’re worried about the world it can be difficult to get your brain working in ways not pertaining to survival. So all in all I’m not sure what will come next. I want to still inspire and influence people to go after everything they desire. I want to write things that make people think. My goal to create television that resonates and transforms is heavy on my heart. The career I’ve chosen and worked on isn’t a linear experience, it doesn’t have the traditional milestones of upward mobility. It’s feels like the complete antithesis of corporate culture and chasing that “American dream.” So while I’m grateful for being able to carve my own lane I’m stressed out too.
Any creative knows that stress and worry are no good for diving into your mind and pulling out magic. My creativity has felt like it’s a crisis but I know it won’t last forever. I’ll get back to a place where I can turn the switch on again. My word for the year is clarity. The goals I’ve set are more about how I want to feel than what I want to do because what I also learned during Covid is that life is only about what you make it. For now I’m figuring it out. And that’s all I can ask for.